Increasing numbers of parents today are aware of the damaging effects sexual abuse can have for a child. As a result of this, we have a generation of parents who are on high alert to protect their children from sexual abuse. The most effective protection, of course, is informed protection. Below are listed some of the important points to know about sexual abuse, and some recommendations to consider based on this information.

• 90% of sexual abuse is committed by someone who knows the child, but only 15% is committed by someone on the sex offender registry. Therefore, protecting your child is not as simple as finding the known sex offenders in your community.  Those who are identified as sex offenders are watched, and hopefully have received treatment. Since most experts believe that a large amount of sexual abuse goes unreported, we must assume that many sexual offenders are not noticeable in any obvious way. Be aware of anyone in your child’s life who seems to be intrusive, talks in a suggestive way, or is obsessive about your child, rather than focusing all your attention on prior offenders. 
  
  
• A great deal of child sexual abuse still is not reported to anyone by the child. These children carry their emotions alone, sometimes into adulthood. Although the research is somewhat tentative, children appear more likely to tell about sexual abuse when it is done by someone who they don’t know well or someone who scared them. They are less likely to tell about abuse if the person is someone they love or someone who has carefully built a friendship with them. As a result, you need to know the people in your child’s life and you need to establish a trusting relationship--one where your child doesn’t worry that saying the wrong thing will upset or anger you. (For instance, can you stay calm when your child tells about the “new word” they learned on the bus? If not, how can they tell you if they saw someone act out the new word?) 
  
  
• Children who are confident and close to their parents are less attractive as victims than children who appear lonely, isolated, or insecure. Build your child’s confidence, including the ability to disagree with adults when the adults are in the wrong. Make sure they have lots of caring people in their lives—both adults and age mates.
  
  
• Internet safety is important—the most frequent adult-to-child crime on the Internet is young teens who are seduced by older men. The majority of men who are chatting with young women and hoping for a sexual encounter are not pretending to be teens. (Okay, it’s not always a man seducing a woman; any combination is possible.) The young person is flattered by the adult attention and believes that there is a “special” relationship with the older man. Force is usually not involved, but secrecy is. Give your teens lots of adult attention and help them enjoy their teen years so that they aren’t in a hurry to grow up by hanging out with older people. Keep computers in a public enough space (like the family room) that secrecy is discouraged. 
  
  
• Young people are responsible for committing a significant amount of sexual abuse. Supervise your children with other young friends and relatives until you know what types of relationships they have. Get to know your babysitter. Don’t assume a boy won’t touch a boy or that girls never abuse. Encourage your child to tell you about their games and activities with the babysitter or other companions, but don’t suggest or ask questions that will make them fear or expect to be hurt.  (For instance, ask “Tell me three things  you and Tommy did” rather than, “Did Tommy touch you in ways he shouldn’t”)
  
  
• Don’t make sexuality a forbidden subject. Few parents want to deal with this subject with their children, but because of the Internet and TV, children now encounter much more information about sex than children a decade ago. And while there is good information available, there is far too much that is confusing, over-stimulating, demeaning, or wrong. Make sure your children learn the truth about sex at a level they can handle. 
  
  
• Don’t create a sense of dread in your child. While sexual abuse is a terrible experience, children need to feel secure going out into the world and learning independence according to their age. Precautions are important, but total protection is impossible. You need to understand that if a traumatic incident happens to your child, recovery is possible and your calm support will make that recovery quicker. In the worst case scenario, where you fear someone may have harmed your child, contact the Child Abuse Hotline, 800-342-3720 (New York state) or 800-932-0213 (Pennsylvania). They will usually contact the appropriate agency to follow up on the abuse. You can also contact the Salvation Army Domestic Violence Line, 800-252-8748, for free counseling for your child, or a mental health counselor at Family Service or another agency with counselors experienced with sexual abuse.

Some of the information for this article was found in “Disclosures of Sexual Abuse: What Does Research Tell Us About the Ways That Children Tell?” by Kamala London and Maggie Bruck, Stephen Ceci, and Daniel Shulman, in Psychology, Public Practice and the Law, 2005.

Help for sexual abuse victims, their families, and offenders can also be found online at www.stopitnow.org. Local resources for dealing with sexual abuse include Child Protective Services, the Children’s Advocacy Program, and Family Service of the Chautauqua Region. Dr. Kelly Burkhouse is a psychologist who has worked with families affected by sexual abuse for 20 years. Family Service is proud to be a United Way agency, with our primary office in Jamestown and a new office in Dunkirk.