There are nearly 140,000 U.S. troops deployed in Iraq and 40,000 in Afghanistan, leaving many military spouses and children to cope with being separated from their loved one. Although military families have a great resiliency in these situations, they need support from family, friends, and the community. Military families not only cope with the stress of the separation but many times with single parenting issues, life on a military base away from their family, and financial problems.

When the soldier gets orders for deployment, it is important for the family to prepare immediately and to try to resolve any problems before the loved one leaves. Feelings, including anger and fear, need to be expressed without directing it at the soldier. Family members can become depressed and irritable before the deployment begins so communication is very important. Everyone needs a safe environment to talk about their feelings and to offer reassurance of their love and commitment to each other. Often, family members set goals that will help them focus on something positive during the separation. This also allows for something to share with the loved one who is deployed so that he or she can feel engaged with the family. It is also important to decide how the spouse and the children will keep in touch with the soldier during the deployment to decrease some of the anxiety. Quality time for the couple alone as well as with their children is critical before the deployment begins.

Children have an especially difficult time when their parent leaves for an extended deployment. Parents need to help them prepare by talking to them at their developmental level about where their parent is going. They need the opportunity to talk about their feelings to either family members or with a professional at school or in the community. The parent preparing to leave should spend time with the children individually. Pictures of each child with their parent should be taken and displayed where the child can see it. For young children, a tape of the parent reading a story is a nice way for them to feel connected. Other people involved with the child need to be informed of the deployment so they can be supportive.

There are good resources to help children understand and prepare for their parent’s departure. Sesame Street has a bilingual DVD kit to help families with children ages 3-5 cope with feelings and concerns during deployments and separations and can be purchased at www.sesameworkshop.org. Operation READY (www.k12.wa.us/OperationMiltaryKids/Resources) has children’s story and activity books for all ages that help the child and parent understand feelings about and reactions to the deployment. One book available as a free download is My Goodbye Book for ages 3-5. If the parent would like a special journal for their child, they are available for about $15 at www.militarywives.com. The website www.operationmilitarykids.org is a great resource for children who can navigate a website because it provides information for children of deployed parents in a fun and friendly format.

During the deployment the family must discuss issues and work together to solve them. There may be a change in expectations as the single parent takes over parenting responsibilities. It is important that family members continue to discuss their feelings and for the parent to be honest and reassuring. Older adolescents and children can be asked to take on tasks at home which can give them a sense of competence and control.

The military spouse also needs to take care, especially as a way to cope with the added stress that the separation places on him or her. The spouse needs to eat well, get enough rest, and participate in exercise. The YMCA offers free 18-month family memberships to families of a service member who is deployed (information available at www.militaryonesource.com). This might seem difficult with so little spare time but the person needs to ask for support from family, friends, and the community. It is also helpful to maintain contact with others who have deployed family members which can be accomplished through online resources including www.armyspouse.org and www.myarmylifetoo.com. The spouse should set goals and stay active in the community, especially in the school and church. Many spouses enjoy volunteering with an organization that supports the troops. When a person feels overwhelmed, it is important that he or she discuss feelings to a supportive friend or family member or with a professional. It is important for military spouses to be treated special and to remember that not only do they make sacrifices for their spouse and family, but for the nation as well.

While the return of the soldier is a joyous time for the family, there is a period of adjustment for everyone. It is important to be flexible with schedules while the soldier adjusts to time zone changes and resuming a normal sleep pattern. There may be a shift of roles and responsibilities which can cause tension and conflict. The family needs to be open and honest to resolve any problems. It is important to encourage everyone to share feelings with each other and to get professional support when needed. There might be unexpected changes in the emotional or physical health of the soldier that can add stress to the return and must addressed by professionals at the local VA clinic or other community-based agency. If necessary, the soldier and spouse can get information regarding Post Traumatic Stress Disorder for www.ncptsd.va.gov. This site also gives information on mental health care providers available in the area.

For more information on support for military families, the following websites are recommended:
www.militaryhomefront.dod.mil ---------- the official website of the Department of Defense
www.armyfrg.org --------------------------- information for military families
www.militarystudent.dod.mil ------------- website for teens in military families
www.operationmilitaryfamily.org -------- information on marriage and family issues
www.nmfa.org ------------------------------ National Military Family Association website

The Chautauqua County Red Cross provides support for military families that includes financial assistance. For more information, call 664-5115.

Please contact Family Service of the Chautauqua Region at 488-1971 for mental health services for family members.