The well-known literary work, The Serenity Prayer, attributed to Reinhold Niebuhr, describes serenity as the ability “to accept the things that I cannot change; the courage to change the things that I can; and the wisdom to know the difference”.  A simple statement, yet it is a very important key to balanced mental health.  Many things happen in life that are beyond our control.  One of those things for a parent is that children grow up.  If we, as parents, have done our job well, we can look forward to the time when our children are mature enough to leave home and begin experiencing more independence and personal development.  As much as parents desire to see their offspring become successful, well-adjusted adults, this time of releasing our grown children can also prompt a condition known as Empty Nest Syndrome. 

Empty Nest Syndrome (ENS) is a feeling of sadness and loss experienced by parents when their children no longer reside at home due to moving away to attend college, to get married, to live independently, etc.  Much like symptoms of depression, ENS can cause feelings of sadness, disorientation, uselessness, and loneliness.

It is common for fathers and mothers to experience Empty Nest Syndrome to one degree or another; however, it is more likely to occur in mothers because they typically supply the majority of the day-to-day caregiving to their children.  Stay-at-home mothers can be particularly vulnerable to ENS.  However, in today’s society, more mothers have careers, jobs, and other interests outside of the home compared to women of past generations.  These factors tend to lessen the effects of ENS.
 
Yes, children grow up.  It is an uncontrollable aspect of parenting.  Now for the controllable part, namely, changing what you can change.  If you are a parent who still has children at home, here are some things you can do right now to lessen the impact of facing an empty nest when the time of releasing comes.

When the time comes, some parents are unprepared for the psychological impact of their children’s departure and the feelings associated with ENS.  It is okay to feel sad or unsettled about a child moving away. Parents should give themselves time to adjust to the changes in their homes and lives.  Any life change causes added stress, therefore it is important to take good care of yourself (proper diet, exercise, sleep habits) and consider seeking support from friends or other parents who are having or have had the same experience.

Your perspective on a situation also has a major impact on your mood and ability to cope.  So, although children leaving the family home can produce unpleasant feelings, this event can be a catalyst for positive changes in parents as well, by providing opportunities for self discovery, personal development, and setting new goals such as going back to work or school, volunteering, picking up an old (or new) hobby, or rekindling the passion of a marriage or nurturing a special relationship.  Before making any major decisions it is always wise to seek the input of someone you trust.

Just as you, as a parent, are adjusting to a new life situation, your child is too.  Even though children are away, the emotional bonds between parents and children should be nurtured and maintained.  Typically, grown children still welcome and need the support of their parents as they adapt to many new life changes.  Keeping in touch is important, but a wise parent will exercise restraint so the frequency of parent-initiated contacts is not excessive.  E-mail and the telephone are two great ways to keep in touch.  Some parents find it helpful to schedule a mutually convenient time to talk with their children on a regular basis, Sunday evenings for instance.

There are times when these coping strategies may not be enough. If feelings of sadness and loss seem overwhelming and you find yourself crying excessively, losing interest and not finding pleasure in the people and things that you used to enjoy, or find that your symptoms are impairing your ability to do necessary daily tasks at home and/or on the job, you should seek out professional help, especially if these symptoms continue for more than a week or two. Getting help is important to your wellbeing and that of your family.  A mental health counselor or therapist, or your family physician can help you find effective ways to work through this time and the feelings associated with it.

Children grow up and become adults.  It is a fact of life that we can’t change.  But, as parents, we do have the power to change how we prepare ourselves and our children for this time of life and how we cope with it when it is upon us. Releasing our grown children is a normal part of the family cycle.  It can be difficult in some ways, but it can also be an exciting time of new opportunities for personal growth and discovery for children and their parents alike.